Hmm

Well, we went in for our first ultrasound yesterday. After a few minutes of looking the woman said, "I can't find a heart beat." That didn't phase me. I figured it was because it was so early. A minute went by, and in a low calm voice she said, "I'm so sorry." I was confused. Did she mean "Sorry we'll catch it next time, or sorry something is wrong and we'll figure it out." I asked her, and was stunned that it meant there was no beat, no movement, and no life. The baby had developed to 8 weeks, and then stopped. It must have been within a day or two of going. She continued to check my ovaries and different things while tears unwillingly streamed onto the table. I talked to the Dr. about options, and even though they explained that it wasn't my fault and this is very common I hurt and felt terrible. They said emotionally this is a death and that I would experience all phases of grieving. I just wasn't prepared. I thought the biggest surprise would be that there would be 2. After reviewing the options we decided a D&C today would be the easiest. Just a minor surgery that would clear the uterus, prevent me from having to pass naturally, and prevent possible complications. I cried for hours. I felt anxious about my uterus being a casket. It felt strange to share my body with someone that I no longer had any hope in meeting. They wouldn't bond with Paige, be born during flu season, have the name I picked. I would never see or meet them. This little person that I already loved would be thrown out in a biohazard trash bag! I finally asked for a blessing, and was able to sleep through the night.

The surgery went smoothly. I was put under. When the mask was on and they told me to take three deep breaths I was determined to make it further...2.5 was all I had in me. I woke up in a different room, and was wheeled to where Eric was. I was so relieved to see him. I acted as healthy and happy as possible so they'd let me leave, which they did pretty quickly. Now I'm cramping with hormones everywhere. I went straight to the school after the hospital to sort out financial aid for summer school. I want to be busy, and not worry so much. Why is this so hard? I think as far as the grieving process is concerned I am just passing the denial point. We'll see where it goes from here. Sorry if this is too sad. It is nice to have an outlet though. Any insight is of course welcome, but no one knows what to say, and I have no idea what I want to hear.

Dynamic

I've been looking for a way to describe the way I do things, and passionately always comes to mind...the problem is that the passion goes from one project or interest to the next rapidly. I looked up synonyms for the word dynamic, and this is what I found:
aggressive, changing, charismatic, compelling, driving, effective, energetic, go-getter, highpowered, hyped-up, influential, intense, lively, magnetic, peppy*, powerful, productive, progressive, vigorous, vitalizing, zippy

That about covers how I feel about the things I take on. While they are always changing I am a hyped-up intense go-getter! So the perfect way to describe me is a woman of dynamic passions!

I bring this up, because right now my dynamic passion is for family history, which I have always thought was boring and drawn out. Yesterday in just a few minutes I found 2 new names! Two, already! I'm so excited! I hope this stays exciting for awhile, and I'm sure I will be writing about a new venture very soon :)

I know I'm not supposed to say...

A few weeks ago I ran out of birth control, but had to have my annual "check up" before I could get more (we all know where this is going, but I'll continue). They couldn't see me for a few weeks. Today I went in, and mentioned there may be a chance that I was pregnant. It wasn't likely, because normally it takes months to get pregnant once you quit birth control. I had my "check up" and took my test. While I was waiting they brought out my new birth control, and listed some vitamins to take just to be healthy. The nurse came back, and since my back was too her I was surprised when my Dr. smiled at me and said "Congratulations are in order, looks like you don't need that birth control after all." I looked back at the nurse that was nodding at me. We changed my vitamin plans, and now I have a lot to figure out...BUT I'm 4 WEEKS PREGNANT!! I guess what I'm saying is "Good bye Tony Horton, see ya next year :)"

Our First Post

This is it!! After several months of "getting around to it", and several hours of getting things to look presentable we are ready for the unveiling of our blog! Buckle up, it's gonna rock your world :) I've put off writing, because I wanted this first post to be particularly profound and noteworthy... I realized that wouldn't happen any time soon, so here we are. I will start with my first attempt at making clothes in years.
It all started a couple weeks ago when I ventured into one of my favorite stores Brittany Rae, here in Rexburg. In this store crafty women sell their goods. There are several displays of cute hair pieces, jewelry, baby accessories, etc. I inspect the ones I like and think "that wouldn't be too hard to make, I should try it some time." On this particular day I say onsies with skirts sewn to them with complimentary buttons by the neck line, and decided that would be my project! I took an old shirt of mine and decided to use the bottom of it as the skirt. The hard part was already done! All I had to do was sew it onto the onsie and add buttons... Well it turns out after several goes at it I was unable to sew it on due to the different materials, and all the bundling involved. So I decided to just make a skirt:
This leads me to a question: Do I try to salvage it by putting a poodle at the bottom, or accept that my daughter looks like a colorful Amish girl? Either way, the outcome drowned out my sense of accomplishment. Next time I go to Brittany Rae's I will try to be inspired by something that does not require a sewing machine :)