Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Hmm

Well, we went in for our first ultrasound yesterday. After a few minutes of looking the woman said, "I can't find a heart beat." That didn't phase me. I figured it was because it was so early. A minute went by, and in a low calm voice she said, "I'm so sorry." I was confused. Did she mean "Sorry we'll catch it next time, or sorry something is wrong and we'll figure it out." I asked her, and was stunned that it meant there was no beat, no movement, and no life. The baby had developed to 8 weeks, and then stopped. It must have been within a day or two of going. She continued to check my ovaries and different things while tears unwillingly streamed onto the table. I talked to the Dr. about options, and even though they explained that it wasn't my fault and this is very common I hurt and felt terrible. They said emotionally this is a death and that I would experience all phases of grieving. I just wasn't prepared. I thought the biggest surprise would be that there would be 2. After reviewing the options we decided a D&C today would be the easiest. Just a minor surgery that would clear the uterus, prevent me from having to pass naturally, and prevent possible complications. I cried for hours. I felt anxious about my uterus being a casket. It felt strange to share my body with someone that I no longer had any hope in meeting. They wouldn't bond with Paige, be born during flu season, have the name I picked. I would never see or meet them. This little person that I already loved would be thrown out in a biohazard trash bag! I finally asked for a blessing, and was able to sleep through the night.

The surgery went smoothly. I was put under. When the mask was on and they told me to take three deep breaths I was determined to make it further...2.5 was all I had in me. I woke up in a different room, and was wheeled to where Eric was. I was so relieved to see him. I acted as healthy and happy as possible so they'd let me leave, which they did pretty quickly. Now I'm cramping with hormones everywhere. I went straight to the school after the hospital to sort out financial aid for summer school. I want to be busy, and not worry so much. Why is this so hard? I think as far as the grieving process is concerned I am just passing the denial point. We'll see where it goes from here. Sorry if this is too sad. It is nice to have an outlet though. Any insight is of course welcome, but no one knows what to say, and I have no idea what I want to hear.

4 comments:

  1. :( I wish I knew what to tell you. I have been through grieving before (my dad died very suddenly 4 years ago). It is good to stay busy, but you need to grieve too or you'll go crazy. Keep your family and friends close and let them serve you. If you're not feeling tough one day, you don't need to pretend. It's so hard but you can ask Heavenly Father to take away the pain when you just can't handle it anymore. He doesn't want you to hurt. :) You guy's are in my prayers. I put your names in the temple today. You can make it, and you will be stronger for it. Families are forever. :)

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  2. thanks Stephanie! We are doing much better now, and things are looking much more positive :)

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  3. I think your friend Stephanie said it best. I just wish I could give you a hug! I know I'm kind of a ways away, and it's been way too long since we've seen each other, but if you need anything, just let me know! I'm always up for a good chat if you want! You're in my prayers! {{HUGS}}

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  4. I'm so sorry. I had no idea you felt this way. When I had 2 miscarages at 10 weeks, I was under the impretion that they weren't formed yet. Spencer keeps it in line for me. He often talks about how some day he will get to meet them. I think he hopes for a sister or 2. Tecnology has come a long way since my miscareges. I'm so proud of you. You are always in my prayers. I Love you Daughter

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